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LOVE: MY LIFE FOR YOURS

Building Great Relationships, Part 1

1 John 3:11-18

May 6, 2007

Pastor Bob Sanders

Our Mission

When I think of what Lake Grove Presbyterian Church is all about, when I try to express our mission, three words come to mind:  Christ, Community, and Compassion. 

First, Christ.  At Lake Grove Pres our mission is to call men and women to get changed in a vital, personal relationship with Jesus Christ – to know him and love him and follow him.

Second, Community.  Our mission is to get connected to one another in a beloved community of Christ’s people – in healthy families, in effective marriages, in supportive friendships. 

Third, Compassion.  Our mission is to get going in the work of Christ in the world – sharing the good news through words and actions, reaching out to the least and the lost here and around the world that all may share in the abundant life our Lord intends. 

This morning we begin a series of messages focusing on the second part of our mission – on community.  I’m calling this series “Building Great Relationships,” and my prayer is that each message will provide insight and encouragement for husbands and wives trying to build a great marriage relationship, for parents and grandparents and children of all ages trying to build great extended family relationships, for all of us whatever our situation who are trying to build some great friend relationships. 

And this morning we begin with the foundation of all great relationships – the radical love we find in Jesus Christ.  Turn with me to 1 John chapter 3 at verse 11, and listen to how it’s described there.    

1 John 3:11-18

11For this is the message you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. 12We must not be like Cain who was from the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own deeds were evil and his brother’s righteous. 13Do not be astonished, brothers and sisters, that the world hates you. 14We know that we have passed from death to life because we love one another. Whoever does not love abides in death. 15All who hate a brother or sister are murderers, and you know that murderers do not have eternal life abiding in them. 16We know love by this, that he laid down his life for us—and we ought to lay down our lives for one another. 17How does God’s love abide in anyone who has the world’s goods and sees a brother or sister in need and yet refuses help? 18Little children, let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action.

Building great relationships is all about learning how to love.  In our text this morning the apostle John uses the word “love” six times in eight verses.  When the ancient Greeks talked about love the word they mainly used was eros.  Eros or erotic love is seeking love.  It’s love that seeks fulfillment in the other, love that seeks this particular person – this friend, this lover – in the fond hope he/she will fill my emptiness, make my life complete, satisfy my deepest longings.  It’s what makes romantic love so intense and passionate.  Eros – seeking love.

But the word John and the other New Testament writers use is agape.  Agape love is giving love.  It’s the love that moves us to give ourselves and our goods to another person who happens to be in need of them.  It’s measured more by actions than by emotions, by what we do more than what we feel.  As Lew Smedes put it, “Agape is the heart’s power to love anyone – lovely or ugly, lovable or repulsive – not because he gives us what we need, but because he needs what we can give.”

John says three things about this agape love in our text.  First he talks about the message of love.  Then he points to the mark this kind of love provides for us as Christians.  And finally he speaks of the mystery of this love, and how we find it revealed in Jesus Christ.  The message, the mark, and the mystery of agape love.  Let’s look quickly at each of these.

The Message

In verse 11 he says, “This is the message you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another.”  John was very clear about this message.  I’ve told you before how tradition has it that the apostle John lived to a very old age, and in his final years he was the pastor of the church in Ephesus.  He became so frail they had to carry him around in a litter so he could visit members of his church.  It got so the only thing he said was, “Little children love one another.  Love one another.”  One day they asked him, “John, why don’t you tell us something new?”  And the aged apostle replied, “I tell you the same thing because this is the command of our Lord, and if only this is done, it is enough.”

They thought John was losing it.  But John knew what he was doing.  He remembered the message he’d heard from Jesus on his final night on earth: “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another” (Jn.13:34).  And wise pastor that he was, John knew that this message is so crucial to our life in Christ that it has to be restated and reinforced again and again.  So he kept saying it, kept preaching it, kept insisting on it: “Love one another.”

And that’s what I plan to do for the next few weeks in this series: keep on reminding and reinforcing this message we’ve heard from the beginning.  Love one another.  In our marriages, in our families, in our fellowship.  Little children, love one another.

The American writer Katherine Anne Porter said that “Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it.  Hate needs no instruction, but wants only to be provoked.”  She’s right.  None of us is through learning how to love; none of us is an expert.  And if there’s one thing we ought to know by now it’s that “hate needs no instruction.”  Hate comes all too easily – whether it’s hatred between nations or between family members or between sisters and brothers in Christ.  Hate is always there, waiting to be provoked.  But love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it.

This is the message John says we’ve heard from the beginning, and it hasn’t changed from the first day until now.  It’s not about how long you’ve been a church member, or what kind of pledge you give, or how many Bible verses you’ve memorized, or whether you’ve been to seminary.  What matters is how well you love the people God has given you.  The message always comes down to this: “Love one another.” 

The Mark

The second thing John talks about is the mark of agape love.  He says this is how we know we belong to Christ, how we know we have new life in him.  Verse 14: “We know that we have passed from death to life” – how?  “Because we love one another.” 

Years ago a writer named Francis Schaeffer wrote a little book called The Mark of the Christian and if you ever find a copy of it I recommend you read it.   Schaeffer pointed out that down through the ages Christians have sought some distinguishing mark to identify themselves as followers of Jesus – some kind of hairstyle or clothing, some symbol or system of belief or brand of politics.  But the only true mark of the Christian is the one Jesus gave us when he said, “By this all men and women will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (Jn.13:35). 

Agape love – that’s the mark of the Christian.  If you love one another, Jesus said, unreached folks, unchurched folks, unbelieving folks won’t be able to figure it out at first.  But eventually they’ll reach the conclusion that you’re followers of Jesus.  No one else loves like that.  But the converse is also true.  If you don’t exhibit agape love for others, then Jesus says it doesn’t matter how correct your doctrine is.  It doesn’t matter how many seminary degrees you have.  It doesn’t matter how many crosses you wear or how many Christian bumper stickers you put on your car.  No one will believe you belong to Jesus unless they see you actively loving your sisters and brothers.  It is the one and only unmistakable mark of the Christian: agape love.

I thought about this on our trip to Israel.  As we traveled around we quickly discovered we weren’t alone: there were hundreds of Christian tour groups from all over the world, most of them much larger than our team of seventeen.  And wherever you went, whatever biblical site you were visiting, you wound up waiting on some group ahead of you to move on, and sometimes you were pushed by yet another group coming up behind you.  This led to some impatient attitudes and some irritable words.  And I thought, “What does it look like to a Jewish or Muslim observer to see these Christians pushing each other aside to get a better look at some sacred shrine?  Why should they pay any attention to our message if we can’t get it together here of all places, here where Jesus walked?”  So at one point our little team started praying for the tour groups ahead of us and behind us, greeting them as sisters and brothers, getting out of their way as quickly as we could.  OK, it was just a little thing.  No big deal.  But it looked a lot like agape love, which is the mark of the Christian.  (You might want to keep that in mind in the church parking lot later this morning!)

The Mystery

The message of love.  The mark of love.  And John talks about one thing more: the mystery of agape love.  What does it look like?  Where do we catch a glimpse of it?  John gives us the answer in verse 16 when he says, “We know agape love by this, that he – Jesus Christ – laid down his life for us – and we ought to lay down our lives for one another.”

How do we recognize this agape love?  It’s not just when someone says he loves you.  It’s when that person lays down his life for you.  It’s when that person gives away part of his energy or time or possessions or freedom – for you.  It’s what Tom Howard is getting at in the quote on the cover of your bulletin.  Howard is a Roman Catholic writer, and this comes from a book he wrote a while back called Splendor in the Ordinary.  It’s another book that’s worth finding and reading.  And I’ve got to tell you – when I first read these words nearly thirty years ago they rocked my world – my marriage, my ministry, my friendships, and my parenting.  Let me read the first paragraph and then comment on it for a moment, and see if these words do the same for you.

Howard says, “At the root of all things is the mystery of My Life For Yours.  It is expressed in the words ‘I owe my life to you, and I lay down my life for you.’”

He’s saying that at the heart of all reality, at the heart of our faith, at the heart of life itself is this radical mystery, this holy sacrifice: someone lays down his life so that another might live.  There’s not a child alive in the world today except for some mother who chose to lay down her life for nine months to carry that child and then literally to lie down in pain to give birth.  My Life For Yours. 

And no child has a healthy physical life except for some adult who has money and who chooses to not spend it on self but to spend it for the child.  My Life For Yours.  And no child has any emotional health except somebody, some adult says, “I want to go do something else this afternoon, but instead I’ll spend this hour playing with you, doing what you want to do.” 

No marriage has every survived past a couple months without both partners giving up some of their preferences and their privileges, laying down their time and their tempers, on behalf of their spouse.  This is the stuff agape love is made of.  Not huge acts of heroism.  Not taking a bullet or stepping in front of a truck.  But laying down my life in little ways, everyday ways.  Dying little deaths.  My time?  No, yours.  My money?  No, yours.  My comfort, my agenda, my way?  No, yours.  My Life For Yours.

And in his book Tom Howard says this is the great lesson we are all given to learn.  It’s the foundation of every great relationship – every effective marriage, every functioning family, every lasting friendship.  We learn to lay down our lives.  Agape.  My Life For Yours. 

Just before heading for Israel, I spent a weekend at Princeton Seminary visiting my daughter, Becca.  This year she’s living with some girlfriends in an old house near the seminary campus, and when she took me there on Friday I was amazed to realize I’d been in that house before.  Back in 1974 I met in that house every Monday morning with a small group of friends to study Scripture, to share our lives, and to pray for each other.  That little house is part of my spiritual journey – because it was there that I saw agape love lived out before my eyes.

Some of you have heard this story before.  It was midway through my senior year at seminary and my savings were depleted.  I was thinking of dropping out, and I asked this group of friends to pray with me about it.  After the meeting ended and we were heading out, the man who lived in the house asked me stay behind.  When the others left, he got out a bank savings book and handed it to me.  He and his wife had been setting aside some money so they could visit her parents who lived in South Africa, and there was about a thousand dollars in the account.  He said, “We believe God has called you to the ministry, Bob, and right now you need this money more than we do.  So we’d be honored if you’d take it, finish your studies at Princeton, and start serving the church as a pastor.  Here, it’s yours.”

It all came back to me as I stood there outside Becca’s house – the mystery of agape love, the incredible gift of My Life For Yours.  And the place where that mystery comes into sharp focus for me is in Jesus Christ.  Verse 16 again: “We know agape love by this,” John says, “that he – Jesus Christ – laid down his life for us – and we ought to lay down our lives for one another.” 

This is where all great human relationships begin: the agape love of Jesus Christ.  In order to love someone else that way, you have to know that you’ve been loved.  And that’s what we see, that’s what we experience, at the cross and at the Table of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The wonder, the mystery, the transforming power of My Life For Yours. 

Has that love gripped your life?  Do you know this day – not just in your head, but in your heart, in your gut, in your bones – that you are loved, that Jesus Christ loved you so much that he laid down his life for you?  And he’ll never stop loving you.  With Jesus, it’s always My Life For Yours.  And that’s the only lasting foundation for any great human relationship.  Without that kind of love working inside us, we’ll never be able to love others with agape love.  The best we can do is eros – loving them in hopes they’ll give us what we need.  Jesus Christ provides the only basis for a great human relationship – the power to love with agape love.  The miracle of My Life For Yours.

Are you lonely?  Are you feeling isolated and empty?  Are you longing for something more, something great in your marriage, in your family, in your friendships?  Here’s the place to begin.  Let him love you.  Let him equip you for great relationships.  Let him give you the kind of love you need, the kind of love only he can provide. 

It’s all here in Jesus Christ – the message, the mark, the mystery of agape love.  It’s what this Table demonstrates for us each time we come.  This is the place where great relationships get put together.  This is the place where great relationships get strengthened and nourished.  This is the place where great relationships get healed, mended, put back together.  Wherever you are this morning, come to the One who laid down his life for you, that you might be able to lay down your life for others, for the great relationships you long for.

In name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Lewis B. Smedes, A Pretty Good Person (HarperSanFrancisco, 1999), p.149.

Francis A. Schaeffer, The Mark of the Christian (InterVarsity Press, 1970). 

Thomas Howard, Splendor in the Ordinary (Tyndale, 1976), p.23.  I was reminded of Howard’s words by Tim Keller’s sermon “The Secret Power” (Aug. 18, 1996 to Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City).